The Adventures of Zuko Holmes and Dr Iroh
by Dr. Jackstraw
Summary: What if Zuko and Iroh weren't related, met each other in Ba Sing Se, and solved mysteries? This story explores the possibilities.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_**Zuko**_

I had been in need of lodgings when I first met him within the impenetrable walls of Ba Sing Se. We were introduced by a mutual aquaintance in a tea shop called the Tea Weevil. He was seated at a table on the far left, reclining leisurely in his chair and blowing on his tea to cool it. As my companion and I took our seats, he fixed his eyes on me and said, "Ah. You have been in the Fire Nation, I perceive."

I paused to pick up my jaw from the floor. "Astonishing," I said.

"Not really," the plump old man replied. "You have a military bearing, your clothes smell faintly of smoke, and when you entered the shop you looked over your shoulder in a paranoid manner. The Fire Nation is the only place I can think of for a smoke, paranoid, military man to come from." He paused to take a sip of his tea.

"Also," he continued, "you have a huge burn scar on the side of your face."

Put that way, of course, it was absurdly simple.

"We have come here on business," said my companion, shifting slightly in his chair. "You mentioned that you could not find anyone to split the cost of rooms with you, and this gentleman is very much in need of a place to stay. I thought I'd better bring you two together."

The old man seemed delighted. "I have my eye on a nice place across the street from a bakery. I hope you do not mind the smell of Jasmine tea?" My prospective roommate suddenly seemed anxious.

I shrugged. "It's all the same to me."

"Good enough," he said. "I am nearly incapable of going an hour without a cup of tea and often have friends over for all-night games of Pai Sho. Will that bother you?"

"Humanity bothers me. I'll cope."

"Let me see, what are my other shortcomings? There can't be many!" He laughed heartily and went on. "I get up at all kinds of ungodly hours, and I am extremely lazy." He took a sip of his tea, grimaced, then firebent hot steam from his nostrils into the cup. "So, what do you have to confess? It is easier to live in harmony if people are honest with each other."

I chuckled in spite of my eternal, blinding rage. "I get down in the dumps at times and don't speak to anyone for days on end. Just leave me alone and I'll be okay. I am obsessed with regaining my honor and often fly into violent rages directed at the people who care about me. I scream things about my father and sister in the night. And I hate loud noises."

The old man blinked, then chuckled nervously. "Well," said he, "if honesty is an indication of harmony, then we should get along quite well!" He grinned and extended his hand. "My name is Iroh."

I accepted the handshake. "Zuko," I said. As we shook hands, a horrified look appeared on Iroh's face.

"You don't include the tsungi horn among your loud noises, do you?"


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I tried to keep Zuko and Iroh's characters as close to the show as I could, but since this is supposed to be funny, some exaggeration of their traits did take place.

Chapter 2

_**Iroh**_

The first week I spent sharing quarters with my taciturn new companion was, if nothing else, an interesting one. I soon realized that he had not been exaggerating in his evaluation of his flaws. If anything, he had been understating them.

On the first day we spent in our new lodgings, I didn't hear him speak at all until well into the night, when I was awakened by him as he was catapulted out a nightmare, bathed in a cold sweat, screaming the word "honor" at the top of his lungs. It was evident that he was hurting emotionally, but my attempts to comfort him were met only with hostility.

Later in the week, upon entering the apartment, a blast of fire whizzed past my head. It became clear that there was a vice that he had forgotten to mention during our first encounter: He used the mantelpiece for target practice.

"What are you doing?" I cried as he sent several more fiery blasts soaring past.

"I'm using the mantelpiece for target practice." Panting, he switched to a different firebending form. I stroked my beard, musing. I noticed that while his firepower was impressive, his accuracy was less so.

"I cant help but notice that you seem excessively hostile in your firebending form."

"What would you know about it, old man?" More fire. More burnt wallpaper. I winced. I decided to forget my extreme laziness long enough to impart some sage advice.

"Observe," I said, taking my stance and sending forth one long continuous stream of fire. This one struck home, hitting the mantelpiece and nothing else. Zuko, in spite of himself, seemed impressed.

"Firebending comes from the breath, not the muscles," I explained, demonstrating the correct technique once again. Zuko breathed deeply, mimicking my stance. He put forth his hand to bend, then cried aloud in frustration as the fire blew up in his face.

"Your anger will only make it more difficult to practice the true technique," I tried to explain, but he would not hear me. He stormed out of the room. I sighed and put the kettle on for tea.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_**Zuko**_

The weeks spent with Iroh were interesting ones. Not content to leave me to my isolation and inner fury, the old man was constantly trying to get me to participate in his... activities. I cannot recount the number of times I rejected his offer to play the tsungi horn during his "music nights."

Today was no different. Immediately following my return from town, he attempted to engage me in conversation.

"Mr. Zuko, you MUST try this cake!" The cake was yellow.

"I don't have time to stuff my face! I have an important problem to work on!"

The old man eyed the remainder of the cake lustily. "Well," he said, "while you work on that problem, maybe I'll work on another slice!"

He did work on another slice, and another, and another. The sight of someone enjoying their life only made me hate my own even more. I retired to my bedroom and took a seat at my desk. The chair was a simple, straight-backed affair. I could not afford to take part in the grossly indulgent lifestyle of my roommate. I was a man with priorities. I unrolled a map across the surface of my desk.

I began to ponder the events that had brought me here, from the heart of the Fire Nation to the impenetrable city of Ba Sing Se. All in search of one man. All the evidence had led me here, and I felt confident that I was closing in. Before long -

"Would you care for a cup of tea, Mr. Zuko?" Iroh's face had appeared in my doorway.

"You've already forced 3 cups on me today! I'm sick of tea!"

"That's like being sick of breathing!"

"Maybe I am sick of breathing!"

Iroh shrugged. "Well, I am going into town to engage in some hedonistic delights." He grinned slyly. "Have fun by yourself!" He departed, whistling 'It's a Long, Long Way to Ba Sing Se.' I thought of my father. I cried.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_**Iroh**_

My troubled companion seemed preoccupied (even more so than usual) over the course of the next few days. I saw very little of him that week; he was always long gone by the time I managed to roll myself out of bed for my morning cup of tea, and did not return until late in the night. It soon became clear to me that Zuko was a master of disguise. Every night he returned with a different hairstyle and outfit. His mysterious behavior had begun to arouse my curiosity.

One night, he did not return at his usual time, and I began to worry. In spite of his... peculiarities, I was beginning to grow rather fond of him. I lit a fire in the fireplace and began preparing a pot of tea, intending to settle my nerves. I decided to wait up for my roommate.

Several cups of tea and one bowl of noodles later, the apartment door swung open to reveal a sinister figure standing in the shadows, it's face obscured by a blue mask. Quickly, I leaped to my feet and took my firebending stance.

"Stop!" the intruder cried. "Stop! It's just me!" He flung the mask from his face, revealing himself to be my roommate. I relaxed.

"Ah, Zuko. You gave me quite a fright!" I bent down and picked up the blue oni mask, examining it. "Why the mask? I knew you had been depressed lately, but I didn't know you were feeling so BLUE!" I grinned at him. He glared at me.

"You were supposed to be asleep when I got back," he growled. "I'm tired."

"I would say so! Why were you out so late?"

"I was looking for someone." I could tell that that was the end of that particular line of inquiry. I changed the subject.

"Would you care for some tea, or a bowl of noodles? They've gone cold, but I would gladly heat them up for you."

"I'm tired."

"Ah. Of course. Then you should rest. A man needs his rest."

As he walked past me into his bedroom, I was suddenly aware that the birds were singing outside the window. Sighing, I began to pour myself a cup of tea. After all, I hadn't had one in over 20 minutes. I sipped slowly, savoring the taste and aroma as I watched the sun rise. I pondered life's mysteries.

I would soon have my fill of mystery.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_**Zuko**_

I now realized that coming home at all that night had been a mistake. Now that Iroh had seen me in my mask, he was harder to keep out of my business than ever before. When he wasn't twiddling away on his tsungi horn, or chugging down some obscure tea, or stuffing his face with cake, he was asking questions. So many questions.

As I entered the apartment that afternoon, my eyes were assaulted by the sight of Iroh sprawled face down on a table, wearing nothing but a towel, his back being pounded vigorously by two masseurs. I headed quickly toward my room.

"Ah, Mr. Zuko," said Iroh, waylaying me. "Have you been out playing dress-up again?" He grunted as the masseurs worked on a particularly tense spot. I ignored his question and attempted once again to make my way to my bedroom. He laid a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm about finished here. Would you care for a massage? These kind folks have been paid for another hour. It's amazing how doing... nothing can make one so tense!"

"I don't have time for massages! Can't you see I'm busy?"

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Come in!" called the old man, before I could ask the knocker to identify himself. The door swung open, revealing one of my informants. Groaning inwardly, I watched as he peered into the room and blinked.

"Er, Mr. Zuko, if this is a bad time, I can, um, come back later." His eyes kept falling on the nearly naked Iroh and his masseurs.

"Nonsense!" my aged companion cried merrily. "You two will not disturb me at all."

The man shifted nervously where he stood. "It's just... Regarding the problem we broached last night, Mr. Zuko... Perhaps we should discuss the matter privately."

"Nonsense!" Iroh said again jovially. I gritted my teeth. "Two heads are better than one, and what is said to one of us is said to both of us. I am sure whatever the problem is, I can be of some help." He gestured to his masseurs, dismissing them.

I nodded at my informant, prompting him to continue. All this was making me even more angry than I usually was, but I had lived with the old man long enough to know that when he made up his mind, there was no changing it.

"Well," said the man, "reports indicate that _he_ has possibly been spotted in the marketplace. As I understand it, there was -"

There was a loud crash as Iroh fell off the massage table and onto the floor. As he struggled to his feet, the towel slipped from around his waist. The sight would haunt me for years to come. He hitched the towel back up and began to prepare his afternoon tea.

The informant tugged at his collar. "Er, as I was saying, as we understand it there was some sort of, ahem, run-in with a... cabbage merchant."

The room was silent. Iroh sipped his tea.

"A... cabbage merchant?" I questioned.

"Yes sir."

"In the marketplace?"

"That is indeed the case."

"I see. Thank you. This information will prove very valuable." I tossed him a bag of coins. He thanked me and exited in a hurry, apparently not hearing my roommate's repeated offers of tea.

I quickly began to prepare for today's investigation, undoing the tidy topknot favored in my homeland and fashioning my hair into a ragged Earth Kingdom mop. I made sure that I had all the necessary supplies. I turned to my roommate.

"Come on," I said.

"What's going on?" said he, setting aside his cup.

"I've been looking for someone, and since you've invited yourself into this investigation, you may as well see it through to the end. And who knows, you could turn out not to be completely useless. Now let's go." I took a somewhat shabby Earth Kingdom hat from where it had been hanging and placed it on my angry head. "The game is afoot." I threw open the door, then pause and turned to Iroh.

"Would you please put some clothes on?"


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: This was without a doubt the most difficult chapter to write so far, and the fact that I fell asleep while writing it and woke up to a broken air conditioner didn't help matters. Please be honest in your criticism.

Chapter 6

_**Iroh**_

As my companion and I undertook our journey into the marketplace, I was ever on the alert. Unaware of what exactly we were looking for, I took note of everything I could see. My mind was like a steel trap, luring in everything, letting nothing out...

My train of thought was disrupted by the sight of a 2 foot high ceramic statue of a bagermole. I tugged on Zuko's sleeve.

"Zuko! Isn't this a lovely item? Wouldn't it look handsome in the apartment?" He ignored me and continued walking. I sighed. My roommate did not appreciate art. I resolved to return later to purchase the statue and continued following him.

It soon became apparent that we had reached our destination. A wooden cart had been overturned, then smashed to pieces in the street, where a pile of ruined cabbages made passage impossible. A little man lay curled in a ball nearby, rocking slowly back and forth, muttering over and over, "My cabbages." The entire area looked as though it had been swept by a fierce wind.

"Great spirits!" I exclaimed. "What happened here?"

"That," said my companion, "is what we're about to find out." He bent down and examined the ground. "I'll investigate the scene. See if you can get that cabbage merchant to tell you anything." He continued his intense examination.

I walked over to the cabbage merchant, who was still rocking back and forth. I kneeled down to his level, but he was either unwilling or unable to make eye contact. He continued rocking and muttering.

"Hello there, my friend," I attempted. The cabbage merchant could have been deaf for all the response I got. "Uh, lovely weather today!" More rocking. More muttering. I decided to get down to brass tacks.

"Perhaps you could tell us exactly what happened here today?"

For the first time, the cabbage merchant ceased his motion. Slowly, he turned his head, looked me in the eye, and opened his mouth in a blood-curdling scream. "MY CABBAGES!" I ran, bumping into Zuko in my haste. He glared at me.

"Well," he growled, "did you find out anything?"

I chuckled. "The cabbage merchant proved singularly unhelpful. Apparently, the incident was traumatic."

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I think I know what happened here."

"How so, Mr. Zuko?"

"Look." He pointed to the ground. "See the way the earth's been disturbed here? It looks like a miniature whirlwind touched down here, coming out of nowhere."

"But that would take-"

"An airbender," he finished. "There's more. Come on." He led me back a bit and pointed out some footprints. "Four people were running from someone." He pointed to a different set of footprints. "By the heavy tread, I'd say they were guards. Anyway, these guards chased these four people here, and then the tracks just stop. Like they flew away." He paused and adjusted his hat. "Four people, an airbender among them, were chased here by guards, destroyed this cabbage cart-"

"MY CABBAGES!"

Zuko turned abruptly and with a roar sent a blast of fire soaring toward the traumatized cabbage merchant, who managed to duck just in time.

"You must learn to control your anger," I said gravely.

"I'M NOT ANGRY!" he bellowed. I blinked. He paused and breathed deeply. "Just let me talk. They destroyed the cabbage cart and then, apparently, flew away."

"Excellent deduction," I said. "And without even seeing the flying bison track."

He turned to look at me. "Flying... bison track?"

"Of course," I said cheerfully, pointing out the huge, three-toed imprint in the dirt. "You didn't even see it and still managed to figure all that out!" I beamed at him.

"Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?" he cried.

"You didn't ask!"

He buried his face in his hands for a moment. Clearly, the heat of the day was getting to him. He raised himself up.

"Do you know what this means?" He did not wait for an answer. "It means I've finally found him. The avatar!"

"Technically," I said helpfully, "you've only found evidence that he knocked over a cabbage stand and flew away." A furious groan escaped his lips. Yes, the heat was definitely getting to him.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

_**Zuko**_

I had found him at last. From the heart of the Fire Nation to Ba Sing Se, I had hunted him. At times I had dispaired, convinced it was nothing but a fool's errand. Other times I had nearly lost myself in the rage that arose from my lack of success. But now, now that I had found evidence that he was alive and had been in the city, a strange new feeling burned within me, one I almost didn't dare to name: Hope.

I had explained the situation to Iroh, after I realized that he would not stop pestering me until he knew the whole story. I told him of my long gone honor, and how finding the avatar was the only way to restore it. For once, he was quiet. After hearing my speech, he had merely stroked his beard thoughtfully. The silence was a welcome change, but it wouldn't last long.

I did not leave the appartment at all that week, in spite of my roommate's insistence that I should take in some fresh air. The majority of my time was spent in my room, consulting with my informants, reviewing evidence, and making plans. I ate little and slept less. I ignored my companion's incessant offers of tea and cake.

On this day, I was again secluded in my bedroom, meticulously reviewing my informants' reports, when there was a knock at my door.

"What do you want?" I demanded. "I'm busy!"

The door swung open. Iroh stepped into my room, one hand held behind his back. I glared at him. He grinned at me.

"What do you want?" I repeated.

"You haven't eaten a good meal in quite some time. I thought that since you haven't been in the mood for cake lately, I would make you something else. Suprise!" He took his hand from behind his back and shoved a cabbage sandwich into my face.

I stared at the sandwich. "I don't have time for your stupid sandwiches!" I said.

"But Zuko," Iroh said, "this isn't _just _a sandwich. It's a _cabbage _sandwich!"

I swatted the sandwich to the ground and hurled a fireball at it. The resulting scorch mark was impressive. Iroh blinked.

"Well," he said, "it's going to take a lot more than a cabbage patch to fix that!" He laughed uproariously at his joke. "But seriously, Zuko, why don't we forget about the avatar for a day and get massages?"

"Get out," I said.

"Zuko, you've been cooped up in here for a week! No fresh air, no exercise; it's not healthy." He paused, then brightened. "I know just what you need: some Irohbics!" The old man began doing jumping jacks. "One and two and three and... Come on Zuko!"

It was fortunate for my roommate that at that at that precise moment, there was a knock at the door. "It's me, Mr. Zuko," called a voice I recognized as one of my informants. I called for him to enter. Iroh stopped doing jumping jacks, fat and out of breath.

"Mr. Zuko," said my informant. "We have located a young lady who may have information as to the whereabouts of the avatar."

"Not so loud!" I hissed. "Walls have ears."

"Don't be so paranoid, Mr. Zuko, " said Iroh, clapping me jovially on the back. "I'm sure anyone who heard us discussing the avatar would dismiss it as the babbling of lunatics."

"Anything anyone heard you say would be dismissed as the babble of a lunatic!"

My informant cleared his throat. "Ah, gentlemen, regarding the matter of the information..."

I turned back to my informant, telling him to go on. How was I supposed to think straight with my roommate around?

My informant continued. "There is a young lady currently residing in the lower ring of this city, who was overheard to mention 'a little bald monk with an arrow on his head.'" He proceeded to give me her name and address.

"Good work," said I. "You will be handsomely rewarded." He bowed and left quickly.

I turned to Iroh. "Come on. We must go prepare. There's a lot to do. The game is afoot."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

_**Iroh**_

Zuko struggled against the comb. "Would you hold still?" I scolded him, dipping the comb in the grease once again and running it through his hair.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," he griped.

I sipped my cup of tea as I continued to work on Zuko's hair. "It's like you said, Mr. Zuko. You must get the information from the girl in a way that will not arouse suspicion, and to do that, you must-" I raised my eyebrows, "_woo _her. And besides, you've been to the shop every day this week. Now you just have to talk to her." I took a moment to pat Zuko's hair into place. "There. All finished." I turned him so that he was facing the mirror. He buried his face in his hands.

"I look ludicrous!" he moaned.

"No, Zuko, no," said I, grasping his chin and lifting his head. "You look _dashing._ Now come on. We have to get you to the lower ring to see that young lady!" I snatched up my best hat from the wall and perched it on my head. I grinned at him. "And perhaps I can find someone to introduce myself to."

"That hat looks ridiculous," growled Zuko.

"Wrong again, my friend," I replied. "Not ridiculous. _Amorous._ Let's go. Lock up your daughters tonight, general!"

The journey to the lower ring passed without incident, with Zuko rebuffing all my attempts at conversation. At last we reached the flower shop where the girl in question was employed. I saw her though the shop's window, her back turned, arranging a bouquet behind the counter. I pointed her out to Zuko.

"Now go in there and make me proud!"

Zuko contemplated his feet. "Iroh," he said hesitantly, "I'm not sure this is such a good idea. I mean-"

"Nonsense!" I said. "You'll do fine. Just remember: be-" I ran my hand slowly through my hair- "_smooth_." I pushed him toward the shop. With great trepidation, he entered it and approached the counter. Then, it began.

I watched through the window in ever-increasing horror as the scene unfolded. Although I could not hear their words, their expressions and body language were more than enough to tell the story.

First, my roommate approached the girl and greeted her in a painfully awkward fashion. She responded with a cheerful hello. My friend then made several pathetic attempts at continuing the conversation, while the young lady observed him with a slight perplexed but otherwise charming smile. Then, he managed a complete sentence, and the smile vanished from her face. She answered him shortly. The characteristic anger returned o my companion's expression. The two began a spirited argument, which ended in her slapping him across the face. Unwilling to witness the remainder of this fiasco, I turned away.

A few moments later, I heard the sound of someone whistling. Turning around, I was dumbfounded to see none other than Zuko. As our eyes met, he quickly stopped his whistling.

"Well," I managed, "how did it go?"

His awkward manner suddenly returned. "We have a d-d... That is to say a d-d-d... A d-d-d-d-"

"A date?"

He blushed flaming crimson. "Yes, that," he mumbled. "For tonight."

Some things can even surprise a wise old man.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

_**Zuko**_

During my hunt for the avatar, I had found myself in the strangest situations. But I had never went on a date looking for him.

"Remember, Zuko," said Iroh, "be sure to compliment the lady, and always encourage her to order more food."

"You're taking this too seriously. I'm only taking her out so I can find the avatar and regain my honor!"

"That is no excuse for not showing her a good time. Sit down," he said, smiling, as he forced me into a chair and began attacking my hair with the grease-covered comb. "Great spirits, hold still!"

After some time, he had fashioned my hair into the same shiny helmet he had styled earlier. He allowed me to stand up, stepped back and admired his work.

"Perfect! Just one more thing." He plucked a flower from a vase on the mantelpiece and fastened it to the front of my shirt. "Perfect!" he said again.

"Is this really necessary?" I protested.

"Do you want the avatar or not?"

I sighed. "Fine."

"Good, good," chuckled Iroh. "You'd best get going; it is unthinkable to keep a lady waiting. I will be going to bed early tonight, in case _someone_ wants to bring their date home." He winked. I suppressed the urge to burn his eyebrows off, and left the apartment.

* * *

><p>"So," said the girl, twining her noodles around her chopsticks, "what do you like to do for fun?"<p>

"Nothing," I replied. Fun? What a silly idea. I was always too angry for fun. Did she take me for some kind of hedonist like my roommate? I shuddered at the thought.

The evening had been going badly. The minute we had met for our date, she had reached out and rumpled my hair, ignoring my protest that my roommate had spent ten minutes on it. Then, once we reached the restaurant, I had ordered shrimp. She was allergic to shellfish. When the waiter brought the noodles as a replacement, I had made him cry. At this rate, I would never find out what I needed to know.

"Look," she said, "I know what it's like being new in town. It's really not bad, after you've been here a while."

"I'm not too fond of the people here," I admitted. Or anywhere else, for that matter, I added in my mind.

"Well, there are some strange characters here," she said, smiling slightly. "Like that little bald monk I see running around all the time."

"Little bald monk?" I questioned. At last! "Does he have an arrow on his head?"

"That's him!" said the girl brightly. "Do you know him?"

"He, uh, owes me money," I replied. "I've been looking for him."

"Well, you must not have been looking very hard," she said, giggling. "I see him almost every day!"

My heart sank. Was I that inept? "And, er, where have you seen him the most?"

She told me. It was obvious, really. I sprang up from the table.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I, uh, have to go, " I said. "I just remembered that... my apartment is burning down. I... have to go put it out."

"That doesn't even make sense!" she cried. "Was it something I said?" Her expression became the most pitiable one I had ever seen. "Don't you like me?"

"I don't know," I said, honestly. "You make me confused. But even if I did, I would still have to do this." I left her crying, and returned to my appartment as quickly as I could.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

_**Iroh**_

"Now this is the life," I said, sprawling out in my golden hammock as the beautiful woman at my side peeled me another grape.

"More tea, Tea King?" asked another of my female attendants, offering a solid gold teacup.

"Why, yes, thank you," I replied, taking the cup and drinking deeply. It was better than any tea in the world. "Quite satisfactory, Marie. My compliments."

Marie blushed as she bowed. "Thank you, Tea King." She went off to make some more tea.

I turned to the other side of my hammock, where a Pai Sho board was set up. A large mouse sat on the other side. He moved his tile. Smiling, I took my turn, easily executing the winning move. The mouse was impressed.

"Excellent move, Tea King," he said in his shrill voice.

"Thank you, Rutherford," I replied, rolling back onto my back and rocking slightly in the hammock. I closed my eyes.

"More grapes, Tea King?"

"More tea, Tea King?"

"More Pai Sho, Tea King?"

"It doesn't get any better than this," I sighed.

"Iroh?" said the voice of an attendant.

"That's Tea King," I corrected her, not opening my eyes.

"Wake up," said the voice. I opened one eye to see a terrible monster standing over me, all eyes and teeth and lashing tentacles. "Wake up," it said again. I was speechless with fear.

Suddenly, the beast reached out with its tentacles and started rocking my hammock back and forth. I cried out, and then-

I was awakened as I hit the floor with a thud. My eyes fell on Zuko, who was standing over me. "Wake up!" he demanded.

"I'm awake," I grumbled, "though I don't know why. You spoiled a very sweet dream." I struggled to my feet and lurched out of my bedroom to make some tea. Zuko followed.

"We don't have time for dreams!" he shouted, practically jumping up and down.

"Maybe you don't," I said, lighting the fireplace with a fireball.

"Listen to me! I know where _he _is!"

"Where who is?"

"The avatar!" Zuko exclaimed. "The one we've been looking for all this time! Now put that tea down, get some decent clothes on, and come with me. We have to set a trap."

I yawned. "Can't this wait until tomorrow?"

"No!" roared my roommate. "I've waited 3 years, I'm not waiting another minute! I have to capture the avatar, and I'm going to do it with or without-"

There was a loud rumble, and without any other warning, an entire wall of the apartment was completely destroyed by a huge boulder that erupted from the ground.

"Great spirits!" I exclaimed.

The dust began to clear, and I saw a little dark-haired girl, barefoot and dressed primarily in green, standing where our wall had once been. She stomped, and the boulder dissolved back into the earth. Zuko took his firebending stance.

"Zuko, wait-" I began, but it was too late. He leaped forward, sending an arc of flame toward the little girl. I was surprised to hear her laugh out loud, and then a wall of earth sprang up in front of her, rendering the fire useless.

Then, a bison flew out of the sky. As it descended, a little bald monk with an arrow on his head leaped from the beast's back, floating toward me and my companion. He twirled his staff, sending a blast of air at us. It took us by surprise, knocking both of us flat on our backs. The girl then bent rock around our arms and legs, binding us.

"Good work, Twinkle Toes," said the young earthbender, punching the monk on the arm.

"The AVATAR!" roared Zuko, struggling to free himself from his rock-shackles.

By now, the bison had landed, and the remaining two members of the party were climbing down from its side. Unmistakably brother and sister, they were older than the monk and earthbender and appeared to hail from one of the Water Tribes. As they touched the ground, the girl burst into tears.

"This is giving me so much hope!" she wailed.

"What is the meaning of this?" Zuko demanded.

"Did you honestly think you could trail the avatar for so long without him finding out about it?" said the Water Tribe boy. "We've been onto you for quite some time now. We've been setting you up this whole week. Yes sir, you gotta get up _pretty_ early in the morning to get one over on Team Avatar!" He looked at Zuko and blew a raspberry.

"Well, Sokka's the one who did most of the work," admitted the avatar.

"All in a day's work for the world's greatest detective," said the Water Tribe boy. A mound of earth erupted under his feet, knocking him to the ground. He sprang to his feet and whirled to face the earthbender. "What was that for?"

"To keep that swelled head of yours from getting any bigger," she sneered. "You can barely make it through the door as it is."

"Shut up!" roared Zuko. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! Is there some kind of point to all this?"

The Water Tribe girl ceased her weeping. The sudden change was startling. She now looked positively sinister.

"You're too much of a threat to our mission. You're too much of a threat to the safety of the world! So we have decided," she grinned menacingly, "to take the two of you out of commission."

"Out of commission? For how long?" I questioned, dreading the answer.

"Permanently."

I sighed. The day had been going so well until now.

"Toph, get Aang out of here," said the girl. "I don't want him to see this."

The earthbender grabbed the avatar by the elbow and began leading him away. "C'mon Twinkle Toes. It's about to get violent."

"I'm a pacifist!" the avatar said brightly.

"So I hear. Come on."

Once they were out of sight, the girl removed the stopper from her canteen and began bending.

"You brought this on yourselves, you know," said the waterbender's brother. Zuko gave him a look that would have killed a small animal.

The girl continued her bending, streaming the water into a long, two-pronged whip, perfectly suited to drown me and my friend.

"Don't do this!" I urged. "I just wanted my cup of tea! And Zuko is just a hormone-addled teenager!"

"It's too late for that," said the waterbender.

"Then get it over with," said Zuko, staring stoically skyward.

"Gladly," said she, and brought her arms forward, sending the water whips flying toward us.

* * *

><p>"Sokka, what are you doing?" asked Katara as she returned to camp, followed by Aang, Toph, and Zuko.<p>

"Nothing!" said Sokka as he attempted to hid the scroll and pen behind his back. "Did you get the supplies?"

"You were writing detective stories again, weren't you?"

"No!" said Sokka. "I was, uh, drawing up a strategy for our next battle."

Aang, with his airbending speed, ran behind Sokka's back and snatched up the scroll.

"'I had been in need of lodgings when I first met him within the impenetrable walls of Ba Sing Se,'" Aang read aloud. "Hey Sokka, great strategy!" The avatar beamed.

"Let me see that," called Katara. Aang tossed the scroll to her. She skimmed it, chuckling occasionally. "This one's about Zuko and Iroh!" She read some more. "Well, at least it's better than the one you wrote about Toph and me where you forgot she was blind."

"That was... artistic license," said Sokka desperately. "Now will you please give me my story back?"

"Not that I'm defending him or anything, but a lot of you guys seem to have trouble remembering the whole 'blind' thing," said Toph as she picked dirt from between her toes.

"Let me see that," said Zuko. He caught the scroll, read over it, and threw it down in disgust. "This is worse than that play on Ember Island! I am NOT THAT ANGRY! I am totally out of character in this!"

"We're all doing things we'd never do in this," Katara chimed in. "I would never try to kill Zuko and Iroh!" Zuko coughed. "I would never try to kill Iroh!"

Aang scratched Momo under the chin. "Well, at least I wasn't a woman."

"Yeah, yeah, everybody's a critic," grumbled Sokka.

Toph picked up the scroll. "Look on the bright side, Sokka," she said as she held the scroll in front of her face. "I think it's the best story I've ever read!"

Everyone laughed except Sokka. Aang patted him on the back.

"Don't take it personally," said the avatar. "It's just, who would want to read stories about us?"

_Who indeed..._

**The End**


End file.
